Can you be friends with someone you have never met? Around the year 1205, the Italian writer Boncompagno da Signa warned against exactly this kind of relationship. In his work Amicitia (Friendship), he described a variety of troublesome companions, from fair-weather friends and opportunists to people who offered nothing but empty praise. Here are ten types of bad friends, described in Boncompagno’s own words.
The Imaginary Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The imaginary friend is the one whom you have never seen and yet love him and praise him because of some kind of image of celebrity, believing that he will be favorably disposed to being your friend. And yet you clearly know that this kind of friendship often comes to nothing and is stillborn.
This may be the most surprising category in Boncompagno’s list. Long before social media, he warned against forming friendships based on reputation and celebrity alone, noting that admiration does not necessarily lead to a real relationship.
The Shadowy Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The shadowy friend is eager under the shadow and veil of friendship to show his devotion in so many ways until he gets what he wants. For shadowy friends can truly be said to be like those many people who are infected with the leprosy of high office; since before they are promoted they hid the poisons of deceit and avarice by promising rewards and offering gifts to those with whom they want to converse. I do not propose to instruct you any further concerning their deceits and mockeries since experience itself has taught you often enough.
Here Boncompagno describes a person who uses friendship as a tool to achieve personal goals. He assumes his readers will immediately recognize the type, remarking that experience itself has already taught them enough about such people.
Detail of a historiated initial ‘A'(micum) of two men embracing. British Library MS Royal 6 E VI f. 85v
The Fair-Weather Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The fair-weather friend spins like a wheel and judges according to circumstances…you have seen not long ago some of the people of Capua and Salerno who on the Lord’s Day went to meet the soldiers of the King of Sicily with leafy branches of trees and flowers, crying out loudly: “Long live Tancred, King of Sicily!” and, “Death to the German!” However, on the following Monday, when the army of the Emperor routed the soldiers of the King, these same people likewise went out to meet the soldiers of the Emperor shouting: “Long live Henry, Emperor of the Romans!” and “Death to the Sicilian!” For sure one can find innumerable examples of fair-weather friends in all of the details of such events.
Boncompagno compares fair-weather friends to political opportunists who quickly switch sides whenever circumstances change. Their loyalty depends not on affection or principle, but on whichever side appears to be winning.
The Conditional Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The conditional friend does not make a friend except under a condition, such as, “If you give me something, I will give you something; if you bring nothing, I will keep everything for myself.” What he is saying in fact is: “Choose whether you want to be my friend and come help me with your goods when I need them, otherwise what is yours is yours and what is mine is mine.”
For Boncompagno, friendship should be freely given rather than negotiated like a business agreement. The conditional friend is interested primarily in what he can receive from the relationship.
The Withdrawing Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The withdrawing friend is initially ardent, then cools down, and finally fades away, and whatever he begins with enthusiasm he abandons with shame. For often he seems to boil like water in showing the warmth of his allegiance to his friends, and soon afterwards goes backwards like a shrimp and in the matter of affection becomes colder than ice.
The vivid imagery here reflects Boncompagno’s frustration with people whose enthusiasm quickly evaporates. They begin friendships with energy and affection but fail to sustain them over time.
Detail of a miniature of a sufferer being given money by his true friend. British Library MS Harley 4425 fol. 47v
The Powerful Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The powerful friend is one who rises to a high status, but since friendship ignores status, here there is a contradiction between the noun and the accompanying adjective. Indeed, there are some powerful friends, albeit rarely, who are willing to keep company with subservient friends; but beware of that powerful friend who wishes to imprison your will and keep it bound to his own. Only with difficulty can you look him in the face; since if you have to wash his feet you will not dare even to dry your hands in his presence.
For Boncompagno, friendship should exist between equals. He warns that relationships with powerful people can become unhealthy when admiration turns into obedience and one person begins to dominate the other.
The Mercenary Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The mercenary friend gives of his own property under the guise of generosity, hoping to receive twice as much in return, just as the people of Spoleto often do, offering shields and trappings for horses to princes, to prelates of the Church and to knights, hoping to receive the usual price and generous gifts in addition.
This is not a truly generous person but one who treats every gift as an investment. The mercenary friend appears charitable while quietly expecting a profitable return.
The Vocal Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The vocal friend attends to his friends with words alone. For he says: “What a wonderful knight that count is, how generous and pleasing and how he blooms again in the cavalry!” Or again: “O what a good cleric he is, how well educated, and how he shines by the uprightness of his behavior!” In this way all are praised for their position and functions, but this is the way of dogs and birds and the testicles of goats that are sold in the butchers could be praised.
Boncompagno has little patience for empty praise. The vocal friend is generous with compliments but offers little practical support when it is actually needed.
The “Here and There” Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The “here and there” friend runs to his friend and full of joy embraces him and vows his allegiance saying: “Behold I will come and be with you whenever it pleases you.” He goes and runs hither and thither, and with his friend tours around different places, but does not want to be of service in anything else to anyone.
This friend enjoys companionship and social activity but avoids responsibilities. While eager to share pleasant moments, he is reluctant to provide meaningful assistance.
The Blinded Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The blinded friend is the one who submits to the will of a woman and places all of his hope in her. He is called “blinded” because his eyes have been darkened under the veil of worthless love and bodily pleasure, so that he cannot see the truth and no longer knows himself. For, the heart of a woman is like quicksilver which transforms all bodies and makes them like itself…Indeed, it is extremely difficult for any man, and especially for a young man, to avoid the wiles and snares of women. However, there are seven cures which will help blinded friends: the contemplation of our home in heaven, love of knowledge, hard work, the desire of gain, the game of dice and of hazard, frequent change of place, and variation in affection.
Modern readers will likely notice the strongly gendered assumptions behind this passage. What Boncompagno ultimately warns against is becoming so consumed by romantic desire that it overwhelms judgment, self-knowledge, and other obligations.
Amicitia reveals that medieval people worried about many of the same friendship problems that concern us today. Whether discussing opportunists, flatterers, fair-weather companions, or friendships based on self-interest, Boncompagno’s observations remain surprisingly recognizable more than eight centuries later.
You can read the full text and translation of Amicitia by Boncompagno da Signa in Amicitia and De malo senectutis et senii, edited by Michael W. Dunne (Dallas Medieval Texts and Translations #15)
Can you be friends with someone you have never met? Around the year 1205, the Italian writer Boncompagno da Signa warned against exactly this kind of relationship. In his work Amicitia (Friendship), he described a variety of troublesome companions, from fair-weather friends and opportunists to people who offered nothing but empty praise. Here are ten types of bad friends, described in Boncompagno’s own words.
The Imaginary Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The imaginary friend is the one whom you have never seen and yet love him and praise him because of some kind of image of celebrity, believing that he will be favorably disposed to being your friend. And yet you clearly know that this kind of friendship often comes to nothing and is stillborn.
This may be the most surprising category in Boncompagno’s list. Long before social media, he warned against forming friendships based on reputation and celebrity alone, noting that admiration does not necessarily lead to a real relationship.
The Shadowy Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The shadowy friend is eager under the shadow and veil of friendship to show his devotion in so many ways until he gets what he wants. For shadowy friends can truly be said to be like those many people who are infected with the leprosy of high office; since before they are promoted they hid the poisons of deceit and avarice by promising rewards and offering gifts to those with whom they want to converse. I do not propose to instruct you any further concerning their deceits and mockeries since experience itself has taught you often enough.
Here Boncompagno describes a person who uses friendship as a tool to achieve personal goals. He assumes his readers will immediately recognize the type, remarking that experience itself has already taught them enough about such people.
The Fair-Weather Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The fair-weather friend spins like a wheel and judges according to circumstances…you have seen not long ago some of the people of Capua and Salerno who on the Lord’s Day went to meet the soldiers of the King of Sicily with leafy branches of trees and flowers, crying out loudly: “Long live Tancred, King of Sicily!” and, “Death to the German!” However, on the following Monday, when the army of the Emperor routed the soldiers of the King, these same people likewise went out to meet the soldiers of the Emperor shouting: “Long live Henry, Emperor of the Romans!” and “Death to the Sicilian!” For sure one can find innumerable examples of fair-weather friends in all of the details of such events.
Boncompagno compares fair-weather friends to political opportunists who quickly switch sides whenever circumstances change. Their loyalty depends not on affection or principle, but on whichever side appears to be winning.
The Conditional Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The conditional friend does not make a friend except under a condition, such as, “If you give me something, I will give you something; if you bring nothing, I will keep everything for myself.” What he is saying in fact is: “Choose whether you want to be my friend and come help me with your goods when I need them, otherwise what is yours is yours and what is mine is mine.”
For Boncompagno, friendship should be freely given rather than negotiated like a business agreement. The conditional friend is interested primarily in what he can receive from the relationship.
The Withdrawing Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The withdrawing friend is initially ardent, then cools down, and finally fades away, and whatever he begins with enthusiasm he abandons with shame. For often he seems to boil like water in showing the warmth of his allegiance to his friends, and soon afterwards goes backwards like a shrimp and in the matter of affection becomes colder than ice.
The vivid imagery here reflects Boncompagno’s frustration with people whose enthusiasm quickly evaporates. They begin friendships with energy and affection but fail to sustain them over time.
The Powerful Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The powerful friend is one who rises to a high status, but since friendship ignores status, here there is a contradiction between the noun and the accompanying adjective. Indeed, there are some powerful friends, albeit rarely, who are willing to keep company with subservient friends; but beware of that powerful friend who wishes to imprison your will and keep it bound to his own. Only with difficulty can you look him in the face; since if you have to wash his feet you will not dare even to dry your hands in his presence.
For Boncompagno, friendship should exist between equals. He warns that relationships with powerful people can become unhealthy when admiration turns into obedience and one person begins to dominate the other.
The Mercenary Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The mercenary friend gives of his own property under the guise of generosity, hoping to receive twice as much in return, just as the people of Spoleto often do, offering shields and trappings for horses to princes, to prelates of the Church and to knights, hoping to receive the usual price and generous gifts in addition.
This is not a truly generous person but one who treats every gift as an investment. The mercenary friend appears charitable while quietly expecting a profitable return.
The Vocal Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The vocal friend attends to his friends with words alone. For he says: “What a wonderful knight that count is, how generous and pleasing and how he blooms again in the cavalry!” Or again: “O what a good cleric he is, how well educated, and how he shines by the uprightness of his behavior!” In this way all are praised for their position and functions, but this is the way of dogs and birds and the testicles of goats that are sold in the butchers could be praised.
Boncompagno has little patience for empty praise. The vocal friend is generous with compliments but offers little practical support when it is actually needed.
The “Here and There” Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The “here and there” friend runs to his friend and full of joy embraces him and vows his allegiance saying: “Behold I will come and be with you whenever it pleases you.” He goes and runs hither and thither, and with his friend tours around different places, but does not want to be of service in anything else to anyone.
This friend enjoys companionship and social activity but avoids responsibilities. While eager to share pleasant moments, he is reluctant to provide meaningful assistance.
The Blinded Friend
Boncompagno writes:
The blinded friend is the one who submits to the will of a woman and places all of his hope in her. He is called “blinded” because his eyes have been darkened under the veil of worthless love and bodily pleasure, so that he cannot see the truth and no longer knows himself. For, the heart of a woman is like quicksilver which transforms all bodies and makes them like itself…Indeed, it is extremely difficult for any man, and especially for a young man, to avoid the wiles and snares of women. However, there are seven cures which will help blinded friends: the contemplation of our home in heaven, love of knowledge, hard work, the desire of gain, the game of dice and of hazard, frequent change of place, and variation in affection.
Modern readers will likely notice the strongly gendered assumptions behind this passage. What Boncompagno ultimately warns against is becoming so consumed by romantic desire that it overwhelms judgment, self-knowledge, and other obligations.
Amicitia reveals that medieval people worried about many of the same friendship problems that concern us today. Whether discussing opportunists, flatterers, fair-weather companions, or friendships based on self-interest, Boncompagno’s observations remain surprisingly recognizable more than eight centuries later.
You can read the full text and translation of Amicitia by Boncompagno da Signa in Amicitia and De malo senectutis et senii, edited by Michael W. Dunne (Dallas Medieval Texts and Translations #15)
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